The worst of it

If you know me, you have heard about the family drama with my in-laws. I wrote the following email to Jessica* when i saw that she left a comment on Amandas* blog that said "finally , a blog that doesn't bash on teh family". I concluded that she could only be talking about me and wanted to address the issue head on. This is the email I sent:
*names have been changed to protect the idiots

i saw the comment you left on Amandas* blog. i can only assume you are talking about me. i can understand that you are angry with me. i can understand taht you are mad. i'm sorry this has upset you. i don't bash on your family on my blog. you read there frequently enough to know that the majority of my posts have absolutely nothing to do with the JOhnsons*. there have been a total of 3 posts about how my husbands family don't like me. 3. and that only came up after the star valley trip and all the crap that happened there. the final straw, to say. i had hoped that you had been on my side and supported me in all this. you never really were outspoken on the subject. i had always thought you my friend. we always got along when i saw you. my feelings were hurt. badly. if Albertos* family had said those wful things about you, would you just take it lying down? would you lash out? honestly think about your actions if you had been me, think of how scared i feel. i hate to see what it does to J (my husband), we just don't talk about it becasue i see how it hurts him. i;m sorry this is all so ugly. i never meant to be mean. the entries on my blog were for support and understanding from people who have gone through similiar ewxperiences. they weren't Johnson* bashing sessions. what do you guys want me to do? i'm now your nick. everyone hated nick, talked about how weird he was. i saw you do it, and now i am him. i know what's going on. there's nothingi can do to stop it. i don't know how to change it wihtout changing me, and that;s not going to happen.

This is the email I received back, from Alberto*, Jessicas* husband:


I have tried to stay out of this stupid blogging phenomenon but enough is enough. Jes* for one is asleep and does not know I am writing this. I tell you this so you can only blame one person for this.....me. You have told half truths about Jes's* family, slandered their names and reputation and have acted as if they have treated you with malice the whole time J and yourself have been together. You are not perfect as you like to portray yourself to be. I would like to start with a rebuttal to "blog title here".You said many things in your blog about our time at Star Valley. Your half of the story was told and now I would like to tell the other half:
-"told I was lazy"-when there was some type of work to be done Beau happened to be conveniently hungry and you would disappear. J would use his hurt ankle for an excuse for not having to do anything. I know when it was Amandas* turn to do something and one of the girls needed her attention, Tyrone* would take her place so one of the Carters's* was taking their turn. The same thing would happen with Jim/Staci* and my family. Why should your family be exempt?
-"Told to cover up while breastfeeding as to not make others uncomfortable"-first, breastfeeding is natural. Jes has breastfed all of our children so obviously we approve of this. Does she pull out her boobs for all to see in a crowded room to feed her children? Absolutely not. Why would she? This is something beautiful and natural but private and personal as well. It is great that you breastfeed your children but would it hurt you to put a blanket over yourself or go to another room to do this so as to not make others uncomfortable?
-"told you were a pornographer"-go ask your Bishop what he thinks about you posting naked pictures of yourself on the internet. If you are doing this to help build your self esteem then shame on J for not making you feel better about yourself. Your nudity should be something between you and Jake and no one else.
-"lied about not wanting to sit next to Sally (my MIL) because you were angry with her but the real reason was because you were chasing your kids"-who knows why you didn't want to sit next to Sally* but it wasn't because you were chasing your kids. I was there and know that your kids weren't running around.
"looked at weird because you home birth, hippie, natural medicine"-let me address each separately. Home birth- can you think that maybe we worry that an emergency might happen while you are giving birth and because you are not in the hospital you won't have the right tools/people to avert a tragedy? Hippie.........I can assure you that I for one could care less whether you are a hippie or not. Natural medicine.......if you took the time enough to get to know Jen you would know that she believes in some natural medicine also so these three gripes hold no merit.
-There were other things that you mentioned but what I wrote is enough. First, shame on you for saying anything at all against Doon* and Sally*. They have done nothing but help you and J. The Johnson family in it's entirety are incredible people. Are they perfect? Obviously no, no one is but they have always tried to make me feel welcome. You have always been an introvert when I have seen you at the Jphnsons's*. If you would look in the mirror and see that maybe it isn't everyone else but maybe it is you that has to change by meeting others half way. I couldn't have asked for better in-laws. I love them and am grateful for who they are and am a better person for being associated with them. Jim/Staci, Amanda/Tyrone, Mark*, Slater*, Katrina* are all incredible in their own way. I for one am grateful for each one of them and would do anything for them. You told Jes in your e-mail that if you were such a horrible person then leave you alone. She wrote Amanda a response to her blog not yours so first off mind your own business. The comment wasn't addressed to you.You also compared yourself to Nick. Before you talk about something know what you are talking about because if you don't it only makes you sound stupid. This is the man that a month after B's(a nother sister) death was already seeing another women. I have never been in Nick's shoes before as far as this situation goes and hope to never be but I know that If God forbid something were to ever happen to Jes, I would be in mourning for longer than a month and marriage would be the furthest thing from my head.Let it go. You keep on opening the scab. For the sake of J and the Johnsons's just leave it alone. Forgive and forget. I for one have been courteous to you out of respect to J, Doon, and Sally period.
I think you are lazy as you stated in your blog, twist the truth for your benefit so others will feel sorry for you, point your fingers at others to make yourself feel better, do certain things because you crave attention from others and don't care if it is good or bad attention. I feel sorry for the Johnsons's for having to put up with this s**t. I for one could care less what you think about me. You don't matter to me. Let's agree to disagree as you so eloquently put it in your letter to me. This letter was written solely by me so don't blame anyone else but me. Grow up and move on. We have already.


Alright, a little background:

• when i first joined the fmaily, before B ever got sick, everyone warned me how weird Nick was and that I should just be prepared for it and I would sit with them while they would all tell stories about how weird he is and the strange things he will do. That was what I mean when I compared myself to Nick.
• "sitting next to sally", we were the last ones in the dining hall because my kids refused to stop playing outside. Once our food came they were dissatisfied with it and started crying, disrupting the show. I took them out and didn't come back in. I learned that I had "hurt sally's feelings" when I got a phone call from staci telling me I shoudl apologize for being so mean.

Although I did have fun coming up with all these outrageous names, reading this email again has just made me sick, again. I am not a mean hateful person. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I really don't know myself. All I know is that I never posted names on my blog, I tried to keep it all mostly anonymous, and I never, ever attacked anyone personally like this.

And this is why I won't be talking to the Johnsons ever again. Merry Christmas suckers, see you in eternity (if you get there!)

I'm EXSTATIC!

No need for me to think of something clever today! My sister-in-law has absolutely no tact and she does an excellent job of saying so herself.

Go to my family blog, look under links to blogs of my family, and then click on the one that first letters of names are S & M, last name B.

Read the post and please give me your feedback! :)

Guest Blogger

Dear in-laws :

Remember how sad you were when the whole family 'wasn't able to come' to our wedding? Remember how you were so hurt, and felt like we were being selfish for picking a wedding day that wasn't convenient for everyone else? I mean yeah it was OUR wedding, but we should have been thinking about what everyone else wanted, right? We should have been trying to pick a day that everyone else would approve of... who care's what worked best for us! Gosh, WHAT WERE WE THINKING??!!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that those certain people didn't make a bigger effort to make it to our wedding because they didn't have/couldn't get a current temple recommend. I know this must shock you out of your little knit stockings, but it's true. Anyway, I know you will probably always resent me for picking such a 'bad' wedding day, but I just thought i'd let you know the real reason they weren't there.

Oh and PS- your son and I have discussed it since then, and we decided that if we could do it all over again, we'd still pick the same day, and still wouldn't give a damn what anyone else said. So selfish, I know!!

(I also wanted to thank you for not putting up the big family picture from our wedding day that I gave you, because 'the whole family wasn't in it.' I really appreciate that. Guess you forgot that I'M not in the current family picture, huh?)

Cheers,

Queen of Diamonds

Maternal Jargon

I swear I will convulse evilly the next time I hear someone say "I'm preggo!"

Now, it's not the actual pregnancy that I am upset about, it's the inability to actually say the word pregnant. Is it more exciting news if you don't say the actual word and make people guess at what you're saying? Or is the word pregnant a naughty word? Like SEX. You know we are allowed to say those words right? No one will stone you for it. So, let's be clear here, yes? If you are in fact carrying another life within you, you are P.R.E.G.N.A.N.T. Not preggers, not pregs. Not carrying a love child withing your fertile womb.

And if you do happen to use one or more of these words, it doesn't mean that I don't like you. It doesn't make you a bad person either. It just means that I will either A) Roll me eyes at you, B) Shudder in disgust, C) Mock you to your face or behind your back, D) All of the above.

This rule also applies to other words that women are wont to abbreviate, or expand as you will. Words like Hubby. He's your Husband, the love of your life, your sex god. If you're going to give him a label, make it one he enjoys.

Also, kiddos. You here are making it harder to say a relatively simple word. Kids. By adding another syllable you are not adding cuteness to your offspring. You are in fact making me hang around and pretend for longer like I care about their talents, or the lack there of as the case may be.

Remember fondly, this doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes me hate you.

Guest Blogger

To my brother-in-law:

I really hate to say this, but I'm sure it sucks to be you. Sucks to be married to such an insecure, controlling, manipulative, self-righteous person who has such a grip on your manhood that you aren't allowed to make your own decisions. I've seen the way she talks to you. I've seen the way you back down. You have no balls when it comes to her...after all, how could you? She would threaten to take the kids and leave you.

She knows how to get her way, and you let her. You let her walk all over you and you have let her actions come between you and your family. What the hell is your deal? I can't even count the number of times someone in the family has mentioned how sorry they are for you. Sorry for the crap you have to deal with when you go home at night and the claws come out.

It's even worse that you play it off. You make excuses for her. "Oh, she had a hard childhood" or "She's just very guarded". No, she's a bitch. I'll be the first to say it...although I'm probably not the first to think it. She treats you like crap and all you do is dote on her. It makes me sick. YOU make me sick. If I treated your brother the way she treats you, I'd be out the door. I hope that for the sake of your children, you someday pull your head out.

Until then, happy castration.

- Pheobe Banks

The Cycle Continues

To my Mom's Mother ... I love you and you have done a lot for me in my life but the actions you took when you were young have echoed throughout our family for the last 4 generations! You married Men that were horrible to you and your children. Your first husband cheated .. so you married his cousin! The cousin/second husband forced sex on you constantly, having you pregnant the entire time you were married, and you looked the other way. He touched his own children in a way children should never be touched, and you looked the other way. In the end he ended up at the state mental institution. So, you marry my grandfather, that beat the HELL out of you and your boys, and you look the other way. He cheats on you and drinks constantly and you look the other way! You have my mother and let her get away with EVERYTHING, and look the other way! In turn I was born to my mother at the ripe old age of 15! She, of course divorces my father and marries a man that is exactly like her father. My mom now is a very bitter and mean alcoholic that let's my stepfather sell prescription medications to minors from their home. And you tell me to look the other way and make up with her!!!! HELL NO! The cycle of hate and abuse ends here! I will protect my family to no end ... even if this means I have to distance my own mother until she gets herself some serious help. Sadly, I know this may never happen .. because of you! You have taught my mother that living in the shit hole she does is okay! That she doesn't deserve anything better. That this is just the way it is! Stop talking to everyone about my PROBLEM! It's your problem! Maybe you need stand up for what is right for once in your life and stick it out! Stand up to your daughter, let her know this isn't normal and okay to live this way. Let your family know that your actions were wrong and shouldn't be repeated!!! Take some responsibility for yourself, it's not too late!!!!

Piper Powers

tattle-tale

I thought we were all grown ups here. I thought then when a grown up has an issue with another grown up they go to that other grown up and discuss that issue like grown ups. I didn't know that they then go to a third party and whine and complain and defame the other person.

Seriously??

Why is it that no one is adult enough to go to the source of the problem instead of pussy-footing around the issue? Good heavens, I don't even know you and I already lost respect for you. Is this how you handle all the problems in your life? And why do you feel the need to stick your fingers in my pie anyway? What do my actions have to do with the way you raise your kids and cook dinner at night? If you were really worried for me, don't you think that you would have come to me seeing what you could do to help.

It reminds me of a time when I was a little girl and I noticed that my sister wasn't cleaning the bathroom the way mom had told us to do it. You were supposed to clean the sink then the toilet, then sweep the floor. My sister cleaned the toilet and then started sweeping. I went and told mom that she didn't do the sink first. Not because I was worried that there were germs on the sink, but because my sister was wearing my shirt and I was mad at her because of it. So I tattled. Funny thing, my sister cleaning the bathroom had no effect on the way I was cleaning the living room. I just wanted to get her in trouble and was waiting for an opportunity.

Which begs the question, what did I ever do to you? Have I crossed you in some way? Did I not compliment your kids outfit? Or did I not agree that your sand eating son was a genius? Did I say that my kid was cuter than yours? Because they are. Sometimes the truth hurts, you might just need to get over it.

For the love of all that is holy, mystery person, be a grown up.

There's a reason no one else calls you an adult

Dear little sister:

You are 14. Do not make out with your boyfriend. Your 17 year old boyfriend. That is nasty, you are still a kid. And he hasn't grown into his peach fuzz yet. When you start down that road this early in life, it just makes you get to the end faster. And you do know what is at the end of that road, right? Do we really need to have this talk? Fine. Kissing leads to rock music. Rock music leads to drugs. Drugs lead to the horizontal tango. The sheet shake. The baby dance. So please, no kissing.

And when our little brother rats you out to mom, dont look at her with big incredulous eyes and deny it. We all know that little brothers never lie.

wait...

thanks goodness i'm married

Lord bless my sister. she is a wonderful woman. successful, funny intelligent, accompolished, and an idiot when it comes to men.

why do women who have everything want a man who wants nothing? why does a woman with a degree and a career want to date a man who lives in his momma's basement while he completes his online courses (still! he's been "finishing" for years now).

how come when you see a really awesome man who has a job and a personality, you think he's a tool? we all like him. and by 'we' i mean everyone else on the earth.

FYI- there is nothing wrong with a man who can compete with you. children need mothers, not boyfriends. find a man who can pay for dinner every now and then. find a man who can take you back to his place without worring what his little brother will think when you pass his room in the hall. find a man who has to wash his own dishes, pay his own rent.

To My Mother in Law:

You disgust me. I know I should have some respect for you because you are the mother of my husband, but that would be like saying the girl who got pregnant and delivered her baby at her high school prom in the bathroom and then threw it in the trash deserves respect for being a mother as well. Pushing out 5 children doesn't make you a great and accomplished mother. Dogs do that.

Enough With The Forwards Already!

Dear in-Laws:
Stop sending me these crap email forwards! I do not care if Australia is more Christian than the US. I do not care to view a lovely slideshow of Mormon Art set to the tune of some wretched Mormon Pop song that you thought was so beautiful! Stop it, stop it, stop it! I don't read this crap. I don't respond to call-to-action emails! I don't get my panties in a twist over every alleged attempt some random anti-whatever group makes to violate my rights to whatever. Just stop! Only forward me things that are funny. Like a womn getting a matching onesie set for her and her baby at her baby shower. Now, I'll read that!

Also, FIL, STOP sending out pages-long emails describing every minute of every day. I do not care about your job. Or about the concrete laying process you went through in your basement. If you want to send them to my husband, fine. But, honestly, he's not reading them either.

Sincerely,
the daughter-in-law who just wants you to leave her the heck alone!

to the mother of my husbands oldest brothers children

you have issues.

WAKE UP UTAH!

Especially is spelled eSPecially. Please don't confuse this with eXpecially, which isn't a word.

yes, i'm your friend. no, i don't like you

I'm really glad you have a cause you feel you want to fight for. I'm really glad that it is a cause that is good for your family. I'm really glad that your cause has caused so much attention.

But PLEASE, if you insist on representing a group of people who feel the same way, for the love of all that is holy, look like a responsible representative. Brush your hair, put on a clean shirt, tidy up your living room for the reporter.

There's a good chance you know the kinds of questions they will ask you, please have something intelligent prepared to say back to them. Try and think your answer through first so that everyone you represent doesn't look like a mindless idiot.

thanks for really putting yourself out there, but just remember, you are putting yourself out there. People are watching. Don't make us all look like idiots.

the worst interview was on KSL.

the others were okay.

My Husband is Going to Therapy and it's Changing My Life

Imagine what would happen if I went to therapy?

I know, I know, the image of a person who goes to therapy is totally whack, but when your husband was raised by the devil herself what can you expect? The guy might need someone to talk to and for the past couple of months his issues have been WAY BEYOND my expertise.

I found the hottest sounding therapist I could (her name is Summer - that's hot, right?) and made him an appointment.

Today was his 2nd appointment and I am sold. Everyone should see a therapist. Someone who doesn't really know you that will listen to you be brutally honest. Hey, I guess this blog is therapy then!

stale-mate

i created this blog so that i could complain about my idiotic in-laws without them finding out about and crying to my husband about the bad person that i am.

but now that i have completely written them out of my life i find myself with nothing to blog about.

i believe that this, my friends, is what they call irony.

Mary Kay Ate My Friend

Yes, I want to be your friend. No, I don't want to go to another Mary Kay party. Don't get me wrong, I love the stuff. I don't want to sell it. No, I'm not jealous that you get to stay home with your kids because you hassle your friends and family for a living. No, I don't want a pink Caddie.

Thank you for throwing me a baby shower. No, I won't throw a party. Please don't use the contact list I sent you for the shower to call all my friends and tell them I said they would be interested. They know me better then that.

If I want some soap I'll call you - better yet, I'll email. If you want to call me to hang out as friends, please do. Please don't call me and pretend to shoot the shit so that you can back me into a corner and then ask me to be a model for your party or drive to Egypt for a color match.

Thanks for being my friend. It just hasn't been as good since you started selling Mary Kay. I want my friend back.

stupid in-laws

different does not equal bad. i can express my opinions and feelings, and you actually can't stop me.

a wise woman told me:

People who are accustomed to being verbally or emotionally abusive use privacy and lack of witnesses as a critical part of their strategy, so when you make those behaviors public, it rocks the boat and threatens to upset the pattern they are used to. It shifts the power out of their hands. They try to put it back on you by making you seem like the bad person because if they can get you to accept that, they can have their position of power back.

what great and honorable people you are, for picking on a single woman in private. berate her in emails and private messages. it shows you for the cowards you really are. grow a pair. if you want, you can borrow mine, but i want them back when i beat your ass.