Guest Blogger

Dear in-laws :

Remember how sad you were when the whole family 'wasn't able to come' to our wedding? Remember how you were so hurt, and felt like we were being selfish for picking a wedding day that wasn't convenient for everyone else? I mean yeah it was OUR wedding, but we should have been thinking about what everyone else wanted, right? We should have been trying to pick a day that everyone else would approve of... who care's what worked best for us! Gosh, WHAT WERE WE THINKING??!!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that those certain people didn't make a bigger effort to make it to our wedding because they didn't have/couldn't get a current temple recommend. I know this must shock you out of your little knit stockings, but it's true. Anyway, I know you will probably always resent me for picking such a 'bad' wedding day, but I just thought i'd let you know the real reason they weren't there.

Oh and PS- your son and I have discussed it since then, and we decided that if we could do it all over again, we'd still pick the same day, and still wouldn't give a damn what anyone else said. So selfish, I know!!

(I also wanted to thank you for not putting up the big family picture from our wedding day that I gave you, because 'the whole family wasn't in it.' I really appreciate that. Guess you forgot that I'M not in the current family picture, huh?)

Cheers,

Queen of Diamonds

Maternal Jargon

I swear I will convulse evilly the next time I hear someone say "I'm preggo!"

Now, it's not the actual pregnancy that I am upset about, it's the inability to actually say the word pregnant. Is it more exciting news if you don't say the actual word and make people guess at what you're saying? Or is the word pregnant a naughty word? Like SEX. You know we are allowed to say those words right? No one will stone you for it. So, let's be clear here, yes? If you are in fact carrying another life within you, you are P.R.E.G.N.A.N.T. Not preggers, not pregs. Not carrying a love child withing your fertile womb.

And if you do happen to use one or more of these words, it doesn't mean that I don't like you. It doesn't make you a bad person either. It just means that I will either A) Roll me eyes at you, B) Shudder in disgust, C) Mock you to your face or behind your back, D) All of the above.

This rule also applies to other words that women are wont to abbreviate, or expand as you will. Words like Hubby. He's your Husband, the love of your life, your sex god. If you're going to give him a label, make it one he enjoys.

Also, kiddos. You here are making it harder to say a relatively simple word. Kids. By adding another syllable you are not adding cuteness to your offspring. You are in fact making me hang around and pretend for longer like I care about their talents, or the lack there of as the case may be.

Remember fondly, this doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes me hate you.

Guest Blogger

To my brother-in-law:

I really hate to say this, but I'm sure it sucks to be you. Sucks to be married to such an insecure, controlling, manipulative, self-righteous person who has such a grip on your manhood that you aren't allowed to make your own decisions. I've seen the way she talks to you. I've seen the way you back down. You have no balls when it comes to her...after all, how could you? She would threaten to take the kids and leave you.

She knows how to get her way, and you let her. You let her walk all over you and you have let her actions come between you and your family. What the hell is your deal? I can't even count the number of times someone in the family has mentioned how sorry they are for you. Sorry for the crap you have to deal with when you go home at night and the claws come out.

It's even worse that you play it off. You make excuses for her. "Oh, she had a hard childhood" or "She's just very guarded". No, she's a bitch. I'll be the first to say it...although I'm probably not the first to think it. She treats you like crap and all you do is dote on her. It makes me sick. YOU make me sick. If I treated your brother the way she treats you, I'd be out the door. I hope that for the sake of your children, you someday pull your head out.

Until then, happy castration.

- Pheobe Banks

The Cycle Continues

To my Mom's Mother ... I love you and you have done a lot for me in my life but the actions you took when you were young have echoed throughout our family for the last 4 generations! You married Men that were horrible to you and your children. Your first husband cheated .. so you married his cousin! The cousin/second husband forced sex on you constantly, having you pregnant the entire time you were married, and you looked the other way. He touched his own children in a way children should never be touched, and you looked the other way. In the end he ended up at the state mental institution. So, you marry my grandfather, that beat the HELL out of you and your boys, and you look the other way. He cheats on you and drinks constantly and you look the other way! You have my mother and let her get away with EVERYTHING, and look the other way! In turn I was born to my mother at the ripe old age of 15! She, of course divorces my father and marries a man that is exactly like her father. My mom now is a very bitter and mean alcoholic that let's my stepfather sell prescription medications to minors from their home. And you tell me to look the other way and make up with her!!!! HELL NO! The cycle of hate and abuse ends here! I will protect my family to no end ... even if this means I have to distance my own mother until she gets herself some serious help. Sadly, I know this may never happen .. because of you! You have taught my mother that living in the shit hole she does is okay! That she doesn't deserve anything better. That this is just the way it is! Stop talking to everyone about my PROBLEM! It's your problem! Maybe you need stand up for what is right for once in your life and stick it out! Stand up to your daughter, let her know this isn't normal and okay to live this way. Let your family know that your actions were wrong and shouldn't be repeated!!! Take some responsibility for yourself, it's not too late!!!!

Piper Powers

tattle-tale

I thought we were all grown ups here. I thought then when a grown up has an issue with another grown up they go to that other grown up and discuss that issue like grown ups. I didn't know that they then go to a third party and whine and complain and defame the other person.

Seriously??

Why is it that no one is adult enough to go to the source of the problem instead of pussy-footing around the issue? Good heavens, I don't even know you and I already lost respect for you. Is this how you handle all the problems in your life? And why do you feel the need to stick your fingers in my pie anyway? What do my actions have to do with the way you raise your kids and cook dinner at night? If you were really worried for me, don't you think that you would have come to me seeing what you could do to help.

It reminds me of a time when I was a little girl and I noticed that my sister wasn't cleaning the bathroom the way mom had told us to do it. You were supposed to clean the sink then the toilet, then sweep the floor. My sister cleaned the toilet and then started sweeping. I went and told mom that she didn't do the sink first. Not because I was worried that there were germs on the sink, but because my sister was wearing my shirt and I was mad at her because of it. So I tattled. Funny thing, my sister cleaning the bathroom had no effect on the way I was cleaning the living room. I just wanted to get her in trouble and was waiting for an opportunity.

Which begs the question, what did I ever do to you? Have I crossed you in some way? Did I not compliment your kids outfit? Or did I not agree that your sand eating son was a genius? Did I say that my kid was cuter than yours? Because they are. Sometimes the truth hurts, you might just need to get over it.

For the love of all that is holy, mystery person, be a grown up.

There's a reason no one else calls you an adult

Dear little sister:

You are 14. Do not make out with your boyfriend. Your 17 year old boyfriend. That is nasty, you are still a kid. And he hasn't grown into his peach fuzz yet. When you start down that road this early in life, it just makes you get to the end faster. And you do know what is at the end of that road, right? Do we really need to have this talk? Fine. Kissing leads to rock music. Rock music leads to drugs. Drugs lead to the horizontal tango. The sheet shake. The baby dance. So please, no kissing.

And when our little brother rats you out to mom, dont look at her with big incredulous eyes and deny it. We all know that little brothers never lie.

wait...

thanks goodness i'm married

Lord bless my sister. she is a wonderful woman. successful, funny intelligent, accompolished, and an idiot when it comes to men.

why do women who have everything want a man who wants nothing? why does a woman with a degree and a career want to date a man who lives in his momma's basement while he completes his online courses (still! he's been "finishing" for years now).

how come when you see a really awesome man who has a job and a personality, you think he's a tool? we all like him. and by 'we' i mean everyone else on the earth.

FYI- there is nothing wrong with a man who can compete with you. children need mothers, not boyfriends. find a man who can pay for dinner every now and then. find a man who can take you back to his place without worring what his little brother will think when you pass his room in the hall. find a man who has to wash his own dishes, pay his own rent.