Guest Blogger

Dear in-laws :

Remember how sad you were when the whole family 'wasn't able to come' to our wedding? Remember how you were so hurt, and felt like we were being selfish for picking a wedding day that wasn't convenient for everyone else? I mean yeah it was OUR wedding, but we should have been thinking about what everyone else wanted, right? We should have been trying to pick a day that everyone else would approve of... who care's what worked best for us! Gosh, WHAT WERE WE THINKING??!!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that those certain people didn't make a bigger effort to make it to our wedding because they didn't have/couldn't get a current temple recommend. I know this must shock you out of your little knit stockings, but it's true. Anyway, I know you will probably always resent me for picking such a 'bad' wedding day, but I just thought i'd let you know the real reason they weren't there.

Oh and PS- your son and I have discussed it since then, and we decided that if we could do it all over again, we'd still pick the same day, and still wouldn't give a damn what anyone else said. So selfish, I know!!

(I also wanted to thank you for not putting up the big family picture from our wedding day that I gave you, because 'the whole family wasn't in it.' I really appreciate that. Guess you forgot that I'M not in the current family picture, huh?)

Cheers,

Queen of Diamonds

Maternal Jargon

I swear I will convulse evilly the next time I hear someone say "I'm preggo!"

Now, it's not the actual pregnancy that I am upset about, it's the inability to actually say the word pregnant. Is it more exciting news if you don't say the actual word and make people guess at what you're saying? Or is the word pregnant a naughty word? Like SEX. You know we are allowed to say those words right? No one will stone you for it. So, let's be clear here, yes? If you are in fact carrying another life within you, you are P.R.E.G.N.A.N.T. Not preggers, not pregs. Not carrying a love child withing your fertile womb.

And if you do happen to use one or more of these words, it doesn't mean that I don't like you. It doesn't make you a bad person either. It just means that I will either A) Roll me eyes at you, B) Shudder in disgust, C) Mock you to your face or behind your back, D) All of the above.

This rule also applies to other words that women are wont to abbreviate, or expand as you will. Words like Hubby. He's your Husband, the love of your life, your sex god. If you're going to give him a label, make it one he enjoys.

Also, kiddos. You here are making it harder to say a relatively simple word. Kids. By adding another syllable you are not adding cuteness to your offspring. You are in fact making me hang around and pretend for longer like I care about their talents, or the lack there of as the case may be.

Remember fondly, this doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes me hate you.

Guest Blogger

To my brother-in-law:

I really hate to say this, but I'm sure it sucks to be you. Sucks to be married to such an insecure, controlling, manipulative, self-righteous person who has such a grip on your manhood that you aren't allowed to make your own decisions. I've seen the way she talks to you. I've seen the way you back down. You have no balls when it comes to her...after all, how could you? She would threaten to take the kids and leave you.

She knows how to get her way, and you let her. You let her walk all over you and you have let her actions come between you and your family. What the hell is your deal? I can't even count the number of times someone in the family has mentioned how sorry they are for you. Sorry for the crap you have to deal with when you go home at night and the claws come out.

It's even worse that you play it off. You make excuses for her. "Oh, she had a hard childhood" or "She's just very guarded". No, she's a bitch. I'll be the first to say it...although I'm probably not the first to think it. She treats you like crap and all you do is dote on her. It makes me sick. YOU make me sick. If I treated your brother the way she treats you, I'd be out the door. I hope that for the sake of your children, you someday pull your head out.

Until then, happy castration.

- Pheobe Banks

The Cycle Continues

To my Mom's Mother ... I love you and you have done a lot for me in my life but the actions you took when you were young have echoed throughout our family for the last 4 generations! You married Men that were horrible to you and your children. Your first husband cheated .. so you married his cousin! The cousin/second husband forced sex on you constantly, having you pregnant the entire time you were married, and you looked the other way. He touched his own children in a way children should never be touched, and you looked the other way. In the end he ended up at the state mental institution. So, you marry my grandfather, that beat the HELL out of you and your boys, and you look the other way. He cheats on you and drinks constantly and you look the other way! You have my mother and let her get away with EVERYTHING, and look the other way! In turn I was born to my mother at the ripe old age of 15! She, of course divorces my father and marries a man that is exactly like her father. My mom now is a very bitter and mean alcoholic that let's my stepfather sell prescription medications to minors from their home. And you tell me to look the other way and make up with her!!!! HELL NO! The cycle of hate and abuse ends here! I will protect my family to no end ... even if this means I have to distance my own mother until she gets herself some serious help. Sadly, I know this may never happen .. because of you! You have taught my mother that living in the shit hole she does is okay! That she doesn't deserve anything better. That this is just the way it is! Stop talking to everyone about my PROBLEM! It's your problem! Maybe you need stand up for what is right for once in your life and stick it out! Stand up to your daughter, let her know this isn't normal and okay to live this way. Let your family know that your actions were wrong and shouldn't be repeated!!! Take some responsibility for yourself, it's not too late!!!!

Piper Powers

tattle-tale

I thought we were all grown ups here. I thought then when a grown up has an issue with another grown up they go to that other grown up and discuss that issue like grown ups. I didn't know that they then go to a third party and whine and complain and defame the other person.

Seriously??

Why is it that no one is adult enough to go to the source of the problem instead of pussy-footing around the issue? Good heavens, I don't even know you and I already lost respect for you. Is this how you handle all the problems in your life? And why do you feel the need to stick your fingers in my pie anyway? What do my actions have to do with the way you raise your kids and cook dinner at night? If you were really worried for me, don't you think that you would have come to me seeing what you could do to help.

It reminds me of a time when I was a little girl and I noticed that my sister wasn't cleaning the bathroom the way mom had told us to do it. You were supposed to clean the sink then the toilet, then sweep the floor. My sister cleaned the toilet and then started sweeping. I went and told mom that she didn't do the sink first. Not because I was worried that there were germs on the sink, but because my sister was wearing my shirt and I was mad at her because of it. So I tattled. Funny thing, my sister cleaning the bathroom had no effect on the way I was cleaning the living room. I just wanted to get her in trouble and was waiting for an opportunity.

Which begs the question, what did I ever do to you? Have I crossed you in some way? Did I not compliment your kids outfit? Or did I not agree that your sand eating son was a genius? Did I say that my kid was cuter than yours? Because they are. Sometimes the truth hurts, you might just need to get over it.

For the love of all that is holy, mystery person, be a grown up.

There's a reason no one else calls you an adult

Dear little sister:

You are 14. Do not make out with your boyfriend. Your 17 year old boyfriend. That is nasty, you are still a kid. And he hasn't grown into his peach fuzz yet. When you start down that road this early in life, it just makes you get to the end faster. And you do know what is at the end of that road, right? Do we really need to have this talk? Fine. Kissing leads to rock music. Rock music leads to drugs. Drugs lead to the horizontal tango. The sheet shake. The baby dance. So please, no kissing.

And when our little brother rats you out to mom, dont look at her with big incredulous eyes and deny it. We all know that little brothers never lie.

wait...

thanks goodness i'm married

Lord bless my sister. she is a wonderful woman. successful, funny intelligent, accompolished, and an idiot when it comes to men.

why do women who have everything want a man who wants nothing? why does a woman with a degree and a career want to date a man who lives in his momma's basement while he completes his online courses (still! he's been "finishing" for years now).

how come when you see a really awesome man who has a job and a personality, you think he's a tool? we all like him. and by 'we' i mean everyone else on the earth.

FYI- there is nothing wrong with a man who can compete with you. children need mothers, not boyfriends. find a man who can pay for dinner every now and then. find a man who can take you back to his place without worring what his little brother will think when you pass his room in the hall. find a man who has to wash his own dishes, pay his own rent.

To My Mother in Law:

You disgust me. I know I should have some respect for you because you are the mother of my husband, but that would be like saying the girl who got pregnant and delivered her baby at her high school prom in the bathroom and then threw it in the trash deserves respect for being a mother as well. Pushing out 5 children doesn't make you a great and accomplished mother. Dogs do that.

Enough With The Forwards Already!

Dear in-Laws:
Stop sending me these crap email forwards! I do not care if Australia is more Christian than the US. I do not care to view a lovely slideshow of Mormon Art set to the tune of some wretched Mormon Pop song that you thought was so beautiful! Stop it, stop it, stop it! I don't read this crap. I don't respond to call-to-action emails! I don't get my panties in a twist over every alleged attempt some random anti-whatever group makes to violate my rights to whatever. Just stop! Only forward me things that are funny. Like a womn getting a matching onesie set for her and her baby at her baby shower. Now, I'll read that!

Also, FIL, STOP sending out pages-long emails describing every minute of every day. I do not care about your job. Or about the concrete laying process you went through in your basement. If you want to send them to my husband, fine. But, honestly, he's not reading them either.

Sincerely,
the daughter-in-law who just wants you to leave her the heck alone!

to the mother of my husbands oldest brothers children

you have issues.

WAKE UP UTAH!

Especially is spelled eSPecially. Please don't confuse this with eXpecially, which isn't a word.

yes, i'm your friend. no, i don't like you

I'm really glad you have a cause you feel you want to fight for. I'm really glad that it is a cause that is good for your family. I'm really glad that your cause has caused so much attention.

But PLEASE, if you insist on representing a group of people who feel the same way, for the love of all that is holy, look like a responsible representative. Brush your hair, put on a clean shirt, tidy up your living room for the reporter.

There's a good chance you know the kinds of questions they will ask you, please have something intelligent prepared to say back to them. Try and think your answer through first so that everyone you represent doesn't look like a mindless idiot.

thanks for really putting yourself out there, but just remember, you are putting yourself out there. People are watching. Don't make us all look like idiots.

the worst interview was on KSL.

the others were okay.

My Husband is Going to Therapy and it's Changing My Life

Imagine what would happen if I went to therapy?

I know, I know, the image of a person who goes to therapy is totally whack, but when your husband was raised by the devil herself what can you expect? The guy might need someone to talk to and for the past couple of months his issues have been WAY BEYOND my expertise.

I found the hottest sounding therapist I could (her name is Summer - that's hot, right?) and made him an appointment.

Today was his 2nd appointment and I am sold. Everyone should see a therapist. Someone who doesn't really know you that will listen to you be brutally honest. Hey, I guess this blog is therapy then!

stale-mate

i created this blog so that i could complain about my idiotic in-laws without them finding out about and crying to my husband about the bad person that i am.

but now that i have completely written them out of my life i find myself with nothing to blog about.

i believe that this, my friends, is what they call irony.

Mary Kay Ate My Friend

Yes, I want to be your friend. No, I don't want to go to another Mary Kay party. Don't get me wrong, I love the stuff. I don't want to sell it. No, I'm not jealous that you get to stay home with your kids because you hassle your friends and family for a living. No, I don't want a pink Caddie.

Thank you for throwing me a baby shower. No, I won't throw a party. Please don't use the contact list I sent you for the shower to call all my friends and tell them I said they would be interested. They know me better then that.

If I want some soap I'll call you - better yet, I'll email. If you want to call me to hang out as friends, please do. Please don't call me and pretend to shoot the shit so that you can back me into a corner and then ask me to be a model for your party or drive to Egypt for a color match.

Thanks for being my friend. It just hasn't been as good since you started selling Mary Kay. I want my friend back.

stupid in-laws

different does not equal bad. i can express my opinions and feelings, and you actually can't stop me.

a wise woman told me:

People who are accustomed to being verbally or emotionally abusive use privacy and lack of witnesses as a critical part of their strategy, so when you make those behaviors public, it rocks the boat and threatens to upset the pattern they are used to. It shifts the power out of their hands. They try to put it back on you by making you seem like the bad person because if they can get you to accept that, they can have their position of power back.

what great and honorable people you are, for picking on a single woman in private. berate her in emails and private messages. it shows you for the cowards you really are. grow a pair. if you want, you can borrow mine, but i want them back when i beat your ass.